We All Have Things to Carry — Musings in the Midst of… Well… You Know…

Mindset is an interesting thing. I’m discovering that sometimes if you don’t react to things the way people think you should — especially if you maintain a more positive outlook — the assumption is that you just must not have it as bad or that it’s somehow easier for you.

We don’t need to compare suffering — and outward expression isn’t always the most accurate indicator of struggle.

People ask how I’m doing and to be honest, I struggle with how to react.

My wife and I were talking last night about how circumstances are effecting us.

“It’s strange” I told her. “On one hand, I actually don’t feel all that different.”

Because of the nature of my work, I’m usually in isolation for long spans of time anyway. I’m an introvert so time alone is generally more energizing than draining.

On top of that, my wife and I recently experienced some challenging circumstances and some very big, seismic changes.

One of the things I told her was “This is the first time in almost five years that I’ve been able to go more than four months without a family member threatening, assaulting, or abusing me either physically, emotionally, or financially.” So in that sense — even in this global crisis, many of my BIGGEST challenges are behind me. Past circumstances have lent perspective in the midst of this chaos.

Add to that that I wrestle with a pretty low emotional status as my default. I never started off very “high,” so I haven’t crashed particularly “low.” Moreover — my personality in general tends to favor logic over feelings. I know in general we are fine and things will work out eventually.

So in many ways I neither feel nor express much of a reaction to what’s going on. That being said, we also talked about how this season has brought challenges in other ways.

While I am an introvert, I am a social introvert who is also prone to pretty strong depression. While I don’t need social interactions often, not having them at all can be incredibly triggering. Basically... when I finally say “I need to be around people,” it means... like... STAT!

More over — my wife is perhaps the model for extroversion upon which all other extroverts were based. Add to that — her number one Love Language by like 99% is physical touch. Being severed from all social interactions has weighed incredibly heavily on her. She is affronted on a far more personal, internal, identity level.

Add to that — we currently live in a room share. Our entire “house” consists of a 10’x13’ master bedroom. We’ve ALREADY been having to reassess our needs and boundaries. NOW we’re not even supposed to leave the house. We’ve been wrestling through this since October. Just when we were finally getting adjusted — the entire world throws a monkey wrench into the whole mix.

I won’t even get into how in the last year I started a business, have been balancing 2.5 jobs, tried to pursue my creativity in music, have tried to keep a social life, stay fit, and grasp some semblance of sanity.

We’ve also struggled watching how this pandemic has impacted loved ones in our community. Not being able to visit family. Being worried for my grandparents (who both turn 90 this year). We missed our niece’s birthday. We lost my wife’s grandmother. Not only are we processing all of this... but we’re doing so in isolation.

As a result of school closures I’ve lost my income as a substitute teacher. Because many businesses are hurting, my freelance writing income has taken a hit. Actually, my most lucrative pursuit so far during this pandemic has been the thing parents, teachers, and counselors always told me I shouldn’t rely on — and that’s MUSIC!

We’ve been living mostly off of my wife’s income in this season. And so far we’ve actually been doing really well — again we’ve spent the last year saving and downsizing our expenses anyway.

BUT it’s still difficult for me waking up every day feeling like I’m not contributing. It hurts when I spend hours each day writing drafts, sending out cold pitches, creating content for social media — investing time in my business knowing that it will bear fruit eventually — but does nothing to lighten the burden at hand.

The reason I dive into all of this is not to rant. I’m not looking for pitty. I say it because I assume I’m not alone. I assume that there is something I’ve listed above with which you can identify.

I also share because in the midst of this, my mindset has been relatively positive. I’ve found hope and opportunity in this season that I may not have otherwise. I’ve learned and tried new things. I’ve been forced to step out of my comfort zone. I’ve been forced to assess my habits, ditch bad ones, and take on new (hopefully) better ones. BUT that doesn’t mean this season hasn’t sucked balls for me as well.

I understand deeply those who are truly struggling in this season. I recognize that though we’ve experienced some setbacks we are also incredibly privileged. But more than anything, this season has helped me understand what in my life has true value. I have writing. I have music. I have hot coffee. I have a wife who loves me and whom I love. We may not have beaches or parks. This season has its challenges, but it hasn’t broken me. Not even close. What I’m coming to terms with is that I don’t need to be ashamed of having a positive outlook. Guess what? Neither do you!

Of course — whatever you feel is absolutely OK! These are strange times and they will certainly evoke anxiety, depression, anger. BUT — It’s ALSO OK to live in this season and NOT feel weighted down. It’s OK to be at peace. It’s OK to simply let it be! It’s quite possible that everything in your life has led you to this exact moment. Maybe you’ve begun to build your house on the solid rock, so the storm doesn’t level it. That’s nothing to feel guilty about! Isn’t that the goal we all share anyway?

It’s OK NOT to be OK.

It’s ALSO OK to BE OK!

We’re all coping with this differently, and it doesn’t benefit any of us to compare.

It may not look like someone is struggling to carry their bag, but that doesn’t mean the bag isn’t heavy. Conversely — others may have a hard time even carrying something you perceive as light. That doesn’t mean their struggle isn’t real.

We do better when we look out for one another. When we show compassion for one another. When we say “I don’t know everything you’re going through, but I’m grateful and proud of you just for showing up and being here.” When we don’t try to throw our mud on someone just because we don’t think they’re dirty enough.

On the flip side — we shouldn’t assume things are easy to carry just because someone makes them look light. Offer a helping hand if you have one, or at the very least an encouraging word. And if you do feel like you’re struggling, there are people willing to lend an ear, or a hand. I’m one such person!

If you haven’t heard it yet — I see you! I’m grateful and proud of you for being here! And lastly — if you ARE able to maintain a more positive outlook in the midst of this season, you have two responsibilities. The first — to use it to elevate others if and when you can. The second — not to use it as an excuse to judge others who don’t think or feel the same way you do. Different responses don’t inherently mean one is wrong or better. They can exist independently of one another and that’s ok.

We’re all carrying different things ALL THE TIME, pandemic or not. Maybe in this season we could all use that reminder.